The New York Mets would like to apologize to the Los Angeles Dodgers for taking a series-opening win from them Monday night. It was just, they swear, their way of soothing the hurt feelings of San Francisco Giants reliever Steve Kline who was critical of Lastings Milledge's momentary lapse of accepted decorum and gauche display of a pulse Sunday afternoon.

Lastings Milledge would like to keep on apologizing to all who are miffed by his youth, exuberance and talent. He feels terrible about that run he drove in against Brett Tomko in the sixth. If Tomko was offended that Milledge all but knocked him out of the game, then Milledge apologizes for that, too.

Mets fans who sat down the right field line Sunday have signed a letter of apology to Milledge for sticking their hands out, palms front, for him to slap in the wake of his dramatic tenth-inning, game-tying, career-first home run. They now see they placed a terrible temptation in the young man's path and are filled with remorse that they may have led him astray.

Jose Reyes would like to apologize to the Dodger Stadium scoreboard operator for showing him up by leading off Monday night's game with a home run. It's very showy to put up a 1 right away and Jose feels terrible about it.

Carlos Delgado would like to apologize to his slump for the two-run homer that followed. The slump was shown up something awful by Carlos' swing, and Delgado is a professional and never would have done that had he realized it could be taken the wrong way.

Jose Valentin would like to apologize to Kaz Matsui for hitting and fielding well. Valentin now knows succeeding at second base is really just another way to show up Matsui, who was calmly and professionally batting .205 before giving way to his reluctant successor.

Alay Soler, through an interpreter, says he is deeply sorry that he shut down the Dodgers for seven innings and earned his first big league win. He reserves his most sincere apologies for the Philadelphia Phillies and Arizona Diamondbacks, the two teams that might feel shown up because he didn't pitch nearly as well against them and now they are left wondering if they were offered a true test of his abilities.

Chad Bradford sincerely hopes Billy Wagner didn't take his saving the opener against the Dodgers the wrong way. Chad understands now that it is wrong that anybody besides the designated closer secures a victory. He'll see to it that it doesn't happen again, though he can't promise anything. And for that, Bradford apologizes some more.

Pedro Martinez would like to apologize in advance to his teammates for the guilt and shame with which they will be racked when they won't score for him Tuesday night. He is ashamed already.

Willie Randolph sends regrets to the New York Yankee clubhouse staff for forgetting to return their very long and pointed stick upon leaving their organization to become manager of the New York Mets. It had just been up his ass for so long, he explains, that he forgot it was there.